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"Mr. Van Brunt’s assessment of our family situation was bang on. We appreciate the time and energy he spent assisting us with a course of action we are using to safeguard our children." Adam Turner
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Separation and Divorce Frequently Asked Questions, Advice, Coaching, Counselling and Assistance.
Do you have a question for Drew? Ask an experienced counsellor and coach. Drew would like to hear from you. Reach Drew here. 1. How do I begin to go about initiating a separation / divorce? First, have you and your partner attempted counseling, seen a mediator, or a social service professional to resolve communication and family issues? If not, that's where you should begin before contemplating separation/ divorce. However, if family matters remain unchanged and can not be resolved, the following applies: Before you initiate the separation, gather all relevant information on family, finances (bills, income, pension, costs reports entertainment, church etc.), medical, dental, school etc. and make copies that you will give to your partner. (Doing this for the other person not only alleviates their having to physically scramble to do this work, but allows them to better manage dealing with the reality of a separation/ divorce, as well as being able to better manage daily activities required of them.) Next, arrange a time and place away from children and not before any activity they, or you, are expected to be at following this meeting. During this meeting you are going to have to be open and forthcoming, informing your partner of your reason(s) for separation/ divorce only. This is not the time to discuss anything else, except immediate family issues that need to be arranged together i.e. telling the children about your separation / divorce (see question below for more details) - do this towards the end of your discussion time when you also discuss the information you are leaving them, including if you can, garnering a commitment for another time to meet to discuss the information you are leaving them.) Be prepared for them to possibly experience some of these states: shock, denial, disbelief, making things right, and even anger - but allow them to experience these states and answer their questions then and in the coming days/ weeks. After all, you are the one who initiated this process. It won't be easy. However, following this process is important, in order to allow them to deal with the gravity of the situation and to allow for the best chance at an amiable separation to occur. 2. How am I supposed to feel, and what can I do if I've been told about a separation / divorce? It is natural for many people, both men and women, to experience shock, numbness upon finding out they are going to go through a separation / divorce. People can react by trying to block or deny this experience is happening; by displaying anger; by attempting to make deals and promises to themselves and to the other person in an effort to resolve the problem and ensure the relationship continues; a person may feel low / blue, dejected, or even hopeless / worthless; and, it is not uncommon for people to experience one or all of these states in a matter of minutes. Once you've learned that you are going to experience a separation / divorce, set up and arrange a time for yourself to first experience / process what has happened to you, and then, begin to think about and write down what needs / issues have to be dealt with and prioritize them. By doing this you start to develop a picture of what issues need to be resolved i.e. family matters, finances / bills, school, children's issues etc. You can add and subtract from your list as you develop a clearer picture. This is a good initial start. 3. What can I expect to feel / experience when going through the process of separation / divorce from beginning to end? It is natural for many people, both men and women, to experience shock, numbness upon finding out they are going to go through a separation / divorce. It is also common for people to experience denial or withdrawal from dealing with the process; experience frustration / anger / resentment about having this process thrust upon them, or for having to cope with dealing with resolving issues ,and or, for having to safeguard a child's well-being; experience feelings, and or, thoughts that if they or their partner did things this way, or they and their partner didn't do certain behaviors separation/ divorce would not have to happen - this is what has been termed bargaining. Other experiences, common to the separation / divorce process is that a person may feel low in energy / spirit, 'blue' in thought, have a sense of worthlessness / hopelessness because of being in the process (if you experience this for more then 4 - 5 weeks at a time you could be suffering from depression and should seek the support of your doctor and see a counselor to ensure you won't remain stuck experiencing this part of the separation / divorce process). Once family issues seem to be resolved and strategies are in place and are working, especially concerning children's issues, people develop a sense of acceptance, of feeling 'lighter', of 'letting go', whereby the separation / divorce process no longer impacts on their daily routines in life and they are able to move forward in their lives. 4. How do I tell our children about our separation / divorce? Telling children in advance of the actual separation / divorce is vitally important to allowing them to prepare before the actual separation takes place. It is best that both parents together communicate this information to the children. It is best that both parents discuss before meeting with the children, what and how matters will be stated, and by whom, and how questions raised will be answered. This tells the children that even though their parents are separating, and or, getting a divorce, they will still be working together in the children's best interests. The index from prevailing psychology indicates that children under age six should be given several days’ notice; children over age six should have a week's notice. |
